chinanigans | I dreamed a dream in times gone by

I dreamed a dream in times gone by

[The holidays came slowly and went by too fast. It seemed that everyone was excited to go home for Christmas time to spend it with their families, especially since the mandatory dorm system meant that they couldn't see them through the normal school year. All of the students of 1-A had enjoyed a Christmas party together as they chatted excitedly about their plans for Christmas. When Izuku had been asked, he had said that he and his mother usually kept Christmas simple...they'd make sweets together and have hotpot on Christmas Eve before opening presents in the morning. He was eager for the quiet and peace of time spent with her more than anything.

That night was the last that anyone heard from Izuku throughout the rest of wintr break. Of course his closer friends, like Iida and Ochako, had immediately been wondering why he wasn't returning calls or texts, until eventually they got a single response from him. Only one, and only to them. It stated that he'd gotten sick and probably wouldn't be responding until school started back. It was a weak cover, but they believed it. It was the best that Toshinori could think of in a pinch without coming up with a worse lie. He couldn't tell even his best friends for fear of the young boy's own safety.

The news of why he really never called or texted hit the first morning everyone returned to classes, and the entire campus was alight with mutterings about it. Izuku wasn't at school at all, of course...and the specifics of the news were left rather vague, probably to protect him further. When Kirishima had heard, he couldn't even believe it until he saw the news report on TV in the common room and realized...it was true.

Kirishima had been trying to unpack his things like everyone else on the first day back since classes wouldn't start until the next day, but he hadn't seen Bakugou come in yet. So when he finally does, Kirishima comes running up to him before any of the others can, breathless.]

Bakugou!

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[Holy shit. He expected Deku to be in a poor state but... but he looks like a walking corpse. That alone has Bakugo's eyes widen a little in shock, his brows furrowing in slight concern as he sees the boy he inwardly declared his rival wasting away out of pure despair. It's a fucking good thing he showed up, he thinks. Would Deku even last until Monday?]

You look like shit.

[He walks into the room, shutting the door behind him as he does and he takes a few steps towards Deku but ultimately ends up hovering near the door.]

[Izuku stares at Bakugou for a long moment as he hovers there by the door, and for a moment it looks like he's going to speak...until he doesn't, instead just letting his gaze slide away back ahead of him. He seems to be in some pretty deep shock, still, which might explain why he didn't immediately throw himself at Bakugou's feet sobbing. That, or he's cried so much the last week or so that his body can't remember how to.

Either way, he's quiet for now.]

[Well. This was going to go about as poorly as Bakugo expected, since he's going to have to try and lead the conversation for once. He still doesn't even know how to talk to Deku in any manner of normal... not that he even really talks to anyone normally anyway. But he'll try, he guesses.

Quietly, he walks over until he's beside Deku, and leans against the wall while still standing for now.]

...your little friends are worried about you, y'know. They kept asking me over and over if I heard anything from you as if you're my best fucking friend or something.

[He knows. He definitely knows. It's why he'd texted Ochako when he did, but also couldn't really say much else to her. He feels guiltier than anything for blowing everyone off, but what he's been going through isn't something he can really quantify into words.

He's not sure why he wanted Bakugou to come. It was probably the worst decision he could have made, given the fact that they aren't friends and Bakugou doesn't even like him. He wouldn't be a help nor would he be at all comforting. But when he was talking to Toshinori about it a few nights ago...that's just what he decided. Maybe it was because they'd known each other since they were really little. Bakugou had more...of a personal connection to all of this.

That also made this decision crueler on both of them, somehow.]

Y-yeah. I...um.

[He falters, starting to speak, then stopping. He tries a second time, but it's the same deal, like he's not sure what to say, or how to say what he wants to say. Where do you even start with something like this?]

You...didn't have to come. If you didn't want to.

All Might asked me to. Like I could say no to him.

[Bakugo looks off towards the wall, silent for a few seconds before he slides down the wall to sit next to Deku.]

...and I knew her too. Don't fucking tell anyone about this, but I feel like I at least owe her this much. She wasn't a dick to me even when I beat the shit outta you... I'm not so much of an asshole to just pretend like I don't care about any of this.

[It's just the fact that they're both completely alone that he can admit any of that. Normally he'd probably say something a lot harsher, blaming Deku for making him take time out of his day for this but he just. Can't bring himself to tear the poor guy down.]

...

[Izuku falls silent- as if he wasn't silent already to begin with- worrying the edge of his hoodie with the fingertips of one hand. It looks like he's either not changed his clothes for a while, or he just keeps throwing the same old hoodie back on and not worrying too much about it.]

I w...wanted to tell you, th..that...it happened before b...break.

[Which means...she was already gone before they'd all left for home. The day before, in fact.

It seems that Izuku had been thinking, too, and knew Bakugou would blame himself for not knowing what happened when...in reality, he wouldn't have been home to do anything anyway.]

[Well now it's Bakugo's turn to go silent. Of course he'd been blaming himself... if he had just been in the neighborhood when it happened, he could have saved her. He was only a few blocks away. It's just like Deku to realize he's been feeling guilt over this though he doesn't really know if learning it happened before he was even home makes him feel better or not.

In the end he decides to change the subject, somewhat.]

...you've been eating, right? Better not be fucking starving yourself, you damn nerd.

[The instant he mentions food, Izuku's eyes dart over to the trash can and his fingers tense a bit.]

...a little.

For fuck's sake, Deku. You're a crappy hero if you're just gonna worry the shit out of everyone around you!

[Bakugo says that harshly, but he doesn't really mean it to make him feel bad. He just doesn't know how to say "I'm worried about you".

Though he shoves the bag of donuts over to the other boy, to make his words sting a little less.]

Here. I paid a lot for these fucking things so if you don't eat them I'll--

[He stops himself from finishing that sentence, realizing his usual threat of killing people is... extremely tactless right now.]

...I'll beat the shit outta you. You can't go back to school looking like that.

[Izuku flinches at the sudden motion of Bakugou shoving the bag at him, but he doesn't reject it. He just reaches out to take the bag quietly, looking down at the donuts inside, briefly. He didn't expect for Bakugou to bring him anything...if anything he thought he'd stay for a second, bark a few things, and then leave.

This was different.]

Thank you...Kacchan. M'sorry, I'm just...not really hungry right now.

[But rest assured, he'll probably eat these just because Bakugou brought them.]

[This is way different. If Inko had just gotten injured or something he would have probably just told him to shape up and leave but... She's dead. And his dad is too busy to be here for him. Of course he has All Might but he didn't grow up with Deku. He only met Inko maybe twice. Bakugo might as well have been Deku's brother... His... Hateful piece of shit brother. But they still grew up together. He's... Kind of the only "family" Deku has as fucked up as it is, and Bakugo realizes it.]

Well you better finish the whole bag later. I don't do this shit often so I don't want my effort wasted on a shit nerd who won't eat.

[There's a bit of a pause after he says that, before he continues in a low, soft voice. ]

...seriously Deku. Don't let this shit get in your way. That's why the Villains did it. They wanna tear you down 'cuz they're scared of you, but you're the most annoying cockroach on the planet. You can't let this ruin your stupid dreams of becoming the greatest hero.

[Izuku is quiet as Bakugou speaks, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He seems...very small, somehow. Small, fragile. Not at all like his usual self, yet completely like it in every way, somehow. The corners of his lips quiver before he presses his mouth to the crook of his arm, looking out across the room for a moment.

When he speaks, its nearly inaudible with the way his face is pressed into his arm.]

I s-saw her. In there.

[Oh. Oh god.

When Deku said it happened before break he thought... Maybe the police were there to greet him. Maybe he got S call on the way home. Not that he'd.. He'd walk in to see the crime scene. To see his mother dead on the floor.

He doesn't even know what to say to that, his eyes blown wide as he stares at Deku, mouth opening and closing as if he's trying to say something but only a strained sort of noise comes out.

Holy hell, Deku.]

[Now, the reason Izuku seems to have gone completely catatonic is clear. He was the one who found her. He called 911 even while he was launching into first-aid measures despite knowing that it was already too late, that she'd been dead for hours. The fact that Bakugou is unable to say anything to that at all, then, is almost worse than if he had said something.

Before Izuku can say anything, the silence is sharply broken by his phone vibrating against the tatami floor, and almost ear-piercing buzz. There's a flurry of motion following that as Izuku pushes his way off the wall onto trembling legs, staggering over to the futon.

From there, he collapses and jerks the trashcan over, heaving into it.]

[Fuck. Holy fuck. Bakugo stays silent even as Deku moves to hurl into his trashcan. His face turns towards Deku's phone that had buzzed for a second, before back towards Deku.

He can't even imagine what he must be going through right now. He couldn't even try. For something like that to happen to someone like Deku... it's fucking awful. He knows he'll make it through this, he's a tough kid. But... he... doesn't deserve this.

He just. Doesn't.

Maybe that's why Bakugo's body ends up moving before he can think, and he's suddenly kneeling next to Deku with a hand on his back. He won't pull his hair back for him but... God. He doesn't know what to even do.]

Edited 2019-02-13 02:59 (UTC)

[Izuku's been having a lot of issues, not just working through what he'd been through, but also dealing with having to work with the authorities on the case. It was his job as an up and coming hero, but it was...making his recovery and grieving process nearly impossible. That text had been from Tsukauchi, who had been simply informing Izuku that the evidence and testimony he'd provided had been taken in for further investigation of the case as they searched for the Villain responsible. But it was all so much. Even with Toshinori urging him not to receive calls or texts from the force right now, Izuku refused and insisted that he had to. This was the only thing he could do for his mother.

It was the only thing he could to do stop himself from going out there and killing the bastard with his own two hands.

His spell doesn't last for very long because he's mostly just dry heaving, not having eaten since the day before. His body trembles as he leans on the edge of the bin, heavy breaths turning into near-hyperventilating sobs that he'd finally worked himself out of. He had expected this would happen again, especially with Bakugou coming over and having to...at least try to explain things, but it's no easier to deal with now than it has been for days.]

[Yeah, Bakugo expected this to happen eventually. It'd be more concerning of Deku didn't sob his eyes out over this, seeing how he was such a big crybaby. But it doesn't make anything easier. It doesn't make Bakugo feel any better about having to be here for Deku as he breaks down against a trashcan full of.. eugh.]

Not here, Deku. That's fucking disgusting.

[Bakugo gently pulls Deku back away from the bin, just to at least have him not sobbing into it like that. Just to feel like he's doing... something.]

[He won't be hard to move, at least. He doesn't resist Bakugou at all, easily tugged aside as he sort of just...crumples right there where he's sitting. He slumps forward until he's crouched against the floor, his forehead against the tatami with his fists balled up around either side of his head.

He screams when he cries. His voice breaks, crackling like a broken speaker, sounding pained and hoarse. The only reason Toshinori doesn't come bursting in to check on him is because this isn't the first episode like this he's had.]

[Bakugo winces, forehead creasing as his brows knit together and he feels sick to his stomach just listening to him scream. If he were the type, he'd at least offer Deku a hug but he can't even do that much. He can't think of anything to say or to do that would make Deku feel better. And that's probably the most frustrating thing about this. Deku wanted him before anyone else and he's... so useless right now.]

Fuck. Fucking hell.

[That's all he can say as he places his hand on Deku's back again, lowering his head towards the ground as he bites his bottom lip in frustration.]

[Izuku cries for only a minute or so. He doesn't have the energy for much more, especially not when his crying becomes so fierce near the end that he nearly gets sick again. That's enough to prompt him to just...sort of dissolve into hiccup peppered gasps for air, shivering as he pretty much lays there on the floor. He doesn't realize that Bakugou had his hand on him this whole time until just then, and he's not entirely sure what to make of it.

He does know, at least, that he feels bad putting Bakugou through seeing him like this. He knows good and well the blonde can't do a damn thing for him, so he's not even sure why he wanted him to come. He knows, but at the same time, he doesn't.]

I...I'm s-sorry...Kacchan...

[He wheezes, turning his head against the floor.]

M-...s..sorry...Okaasan...

What the hell are you apologizing for?

[Bakugo's voice sounds soft. Stern, and he keeps his hand there for however long Deku needs it. If he even wants such a pathetic attempt at comforting at all. ]

You didn't do anything wrong. If I'm not allowed to take the blame for this then you ain't either. Neither of you knew this would happen. It's fucking unthinkable. It's not like this shit actually happens in real life... we don't live in a fucking comic book.

Neither of us were able to do a damn thing, but I know she wouldn't blame you for this. She's too goddamned nice-- just like you.

Edited 2019-02-13 04:29 (UTC)

[What can he say? He's just...so upset, so distraught that no matter what Bakugou tells him, no matter how true it is...it just hurts too much.

He pushes himself up off the floor, his arms shaking as he looks over to Bakugou with his face nearly white from how pale he is. Eyes trembling, face wet with tears.

He doesn't say anything else, his body just...gives up. He slumps against Bakugou, his head dropping against his shoulder. He doesn't pass out, not yet, but he can't...be upright anymore.]

[Bakugo's first instinct when the smaller teen falls against him is to bring his hands up, grabbing Deku's shoulders with them with the intention of pushing him away. His arms shake as he tightens his grip and grimaces, and it looks like, for a moment, he really is going to just push him off but ultimately... he doesn't. He lets his grip loosen again, his arms slowly falling limp at his sides as he just sits there and lets Deku lay on him, so completely unsure what to do that he's just. Numb at this point.

He tried his best with what he said, but all it seemed to do was upset him even more. How was he supposed to be a Hero if he can't even do something as simple as comfort someone hurting? Someone who called for him?

Fuck. Fuck all of this.]

...don't go back to school Monday. You can't even function like this, Deku.

[That's all he can bring himself to say at this point. He's not ready for school, and Bakugo's actually worried he might pass out or puke in the middle of class or have another screaming fit in the middle of lunch or something.]

I...I...

[He wheezes a little, shaking his head while simultaneously just...sinking even more against Bakugou until his eye is being forced shut by his shoulder.]

I'm...f-falling behind, I can't...I have to be....be able to stop...

[If he can't become a hero, he can't stop this from happening again. He can't avenge Inko. He'll have become a disgrace to her memory, and he knows above all else she wouldn't want him to just give up on everything after her passing.

Despite how cruel.]

Give yourself another week, Deku! Fucking Christ, what the hell is wrong with you?!

[The blonde unintentionally raises his voice, but he still doesn't push him off. He just stays there for Deku to lean on, knowing that at least, the fact that he's letting Deku lean on him at all is a feat in itself. At least he can give him that.]

The only shit you've missed is everyone in class failing as they worried over you. Do you really want to go to school like this? You'll just cause everyone even more trouble if they see you fainting in the middle of class or screaming or whatever!

[He knows how he feels, though. He gets it. And it's honestly more of a relief to Bakugo to see him still wanting to be a Hero despite this. To still have some kind of fighting spirit.]

I'll fucking come over and give you your own little private lessons if it'll keep you on your damn ass for a fucking week, okay?! Just-- calm down!

For five fucking seconds, calm down you shit nerd!

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