chinanigans | I dreamed a dream in times gone by

I dreamed a dream in times gone by

[The holidays came slowly and went by too fast. It seemed that everyone was excited to go home for Christmas time to spend it with their families, especially since the mandatory dorm system meant that they couldn't see them through the normal school year. All of the students of 1-A had enjoyed a Christmas party together as they chatted excitedly about their plans for Christmas. When Izuku had been asked, he had said that he and his mother usually kept Christmas simple...they'd make sweets together and have hotpot on Christmas Eve before opening presents in the morning. He was eager for the quiet and peace of time spent with her more than anything.

That night was the last that anyone heard from Izuku throughout the rest of wintr break. Of course his closer friends, like Iida and Ochako, had immediately been wondering why he wasn't returning calls or texts, until eventually they got a single response from him. Only one, and only to them. It stated that he'd gotten sick and probably wouldn't be responding until school started back. It was a weak cover, but they believed it. It was the best that Toshinori could think of in a pinch without coming up with a worse lie. He couldn't tell even his best friends for fear of the young boy's own safety.

The news of why he really never called or texted hit the first morning everyone returned to classes, and the entire campus was alight with mutterings about it. Izuku wasn't at school at all, of course...and the specifics of the news were left rather vague, probably to protect him further. When Kirishima had heard, he couldn't even believe it until he saw the news report on TV in the common room and realized...it was true.

Kirishima had been trying to unpack his things like everyone else on the first day back since classes wouldn't start until the next day, but he hadn't seen Bakugou come in yet. So when he finally does, Kirishima comes running up to him before any of the others can, breathless.]

Bakugou!

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[That much, at least, he can do. Izuku mutters that he'd be right back before he scurries off to fix them two trays of food, bringing them both back to the table that Bakugou had sat down at. Dinner was the usual fair, today specifically it was rice and chicken with miso soup and various vegetables on the side. An easy enough meal...he could just eat the rice if he didn't feel like much else.]

[Once Deku returns with the food, Bakugo sits up a little straighter and looks at him for a few seconds before he looks down at the dishes set in front of him. He's not sure if he could eat all of this right now honestly, but he does go for the rice. At the very least that'll fill his stomach some.

Though he doesn't eat it immediately, just holds his chopsticks in his hands and kind of stirs some of the rice around a little bit instead as his mind wanders. He looks like a lost child, not sure what to even do with himself anymore which honestly isn't even too far off.]

...he called me.

[He says that quietly, keeping his eyes on the rice in front of him.]

My phone was silenced, but he fucking called me. I could've saved them.

[That...is a very, very difficult thing to respond to, and at first he considers letting it lay because he doesn't know what to say. It was different with Inko. She hadn't been able to do much of anything, it seemed...and even if she could, there's no feasible way Izuku could have gotten there in time, no matter how much he blamed himself for her death.

He picks up a little ball of rice with his chopsticks, pressing it into his mouth and taking the time to chew before he hazards a response.]

Do you think...he called you, expecting to be saved?

[He doesn't say it, because it would be too cruel- too blunt- but he doesn't think so. His parents, no matter how strong they think their son is, would never put him in that kind of danger for their sake. Not when he had so much to live for...and not when it was so plainly obvious this Villain was targeting families to try and lure out the UA wonderkids.

No...Izuku thinks he called to tell him what little he could before it was too late.]

...it doesn't fucking matter if he did or not. I would've saved them if I knew they were in trouble.

[That gets Bakugo to stop fiddling with his rice, his expression turning a little dark with his brow furrowing so heavily he might as well not have eyes right now.]

Even if he called me just to tell me some sappy bullshit about how he loved me I-- I could have had the time to get there and save them! But instead I was wasting my fucking day watching commercials about yogurt or whatever while my parents died!

[There's a loud clash as he slams his hands down on the table when he yells that, glaring at Deku so heavily it's almost as if Deku was the one who killed his parents himself but really-- he's just mad at himself. And after having that outburst he brings his hands up to the sides of his head, tangling his fingers into his coarse hair and slumps over the table with his elbows resting on it to keep himself sitting up.]

What kind of Hero am I?!

[It's the exact same thing he'd asked himself, over and over, when his mother died. What kind of Hero was he if he couldn't save a single person? His own mother?

There's another pause.]

...All Might once told me that the hardest part of being a Hero is knowing that there will be people you're unable to reach. It...it isn't your fault you had your phone silenced, Kacchan. Just like it wasn't my fault I didn't come home a day early for vacation.

If Heroes had to predict and be held accountable for every loss, no one would be able to keep it up.

[Bakugo is silent, at that. Because as much as he wants to scream and tell Deku that he's wrong-- that he should have saved them he's... right. He's right, and he hates that he is. There really was no way for him to know about what was happening with his phone silenced, and he didn't ignore them on purpose. Just like with Deku's mom, he felt guilty that he wasn't there to stop it but he couldn't be there a day earlier to witness it happening just like Deku.

It just. Hurts so damn bad when it happens to people close to you. When there could have been a sliver of a chance, but it slipped right out your hands. He just prays his parents didn't die thinking he hated them. Thinking he purposefully ignored the phonecalls despite getting so many of them.]

....

[He continues not saying anything, but slowly pulls his fingers out of his hair. He lets his hands fall, picking up the chopsticks again and starts to just. Shovel rice into his mouth as if he were a starving dog, his expression looking angry but there are tears spilling over his cheeks again that he wipes with the back of his hand before returning to his food.]

[Izuku watches through his lashes as Bakugou suddenly starts packing rice into his mouth, wondering if it's just so he won't have to talk, or out of nervous, anxious energy or...a mixture of both. Either way he's silent too after that, still quietly eating across from him.

It's hard to see Bakugou cry, especially in this context. It was rare he ever cried, so Izuku knew he had to be hurting. Izuku was the only person in this school that understood the kind of pain he was feeling right now. It's...all so sudden, so shocking that it hasn't even fully sunk in for Izuku yet. He isn't at all looking forward to inevitably crying himself to sleep tonight over it.]

[Honestly, Bakugo has the same thought going through his mind right now. The sun was starting to set and he dreaded going back to his empty room, with all his things that his parents picked out for him inside. The pictures he has of him and his parents resting on top of his bookshelf. Especially knowing he'll never go back to his home ever again. Just thinking about it hurts, as much as everything else does so after he finishes about half of his bowl he suddenly speaks up again without even looking at Deku, feeling too ashamed to.]

...I'm staying in your stupid dorm tonight and you don't have a fucking say in it. Got it?

[He can't go back to his own room, but he doesn't know where else he would go. Maybe the couch in the common room but... no. He'd rather not go back there just yet.]

[Izuku stops eating, his mouth dropping open slightly as the piece of chicken he'd picked up in his chopsticks falls from them back into his rice.

It makes sense...Izuku wasn't alone entirely during his grieving process. He did have Toshinori, but a lot of that time he was in a room by himself, and it certainly caused a lot of mental strain on him he hadn't really anticipated. Bakugou wanting to stay with him makes more sense than he might have imagined, he's just...surprised by how brazen he is about it.]

...R-right.

[He says softly as he picks up the chicken again, trying not to look quite so flustered by the declaration.]

Don't sound so shocked... it's just because I can't stay with anyone else. You're the only one who understands what this feels like.

[He doesn't want to put pressure on Kirishima or Denki or any of his other friends with this. Because he knows it's likely he won't even sleep, and instead just sit there crying or screaming or whatever. Deku would most likely leave him alone and let him grieve without it turning awkward but anyone else would probably try too hard to fix it, or would feel too uncomfortable dealing with it.]

Can't go back in my room either. Not yet.

No, I...it's okay. I understand.

[He pokes a little at his rice some more with his chopsticks.]

It's the least I could do.

[After how much Bakugou had been there for him.]

...yeah.

[Bakugo gives a halfhearted reply in agreement, before he turns back to his own food and starts eating again. Slower this time, as he gets more rice into his system. Admittedly, it did make his stomach feel a lot better having something bland in there so he can see himself and rice becoming very familiar with each other over the next week or so.]

We're.. probably gonna have to get used to seeing each other more often now. Can't imagine All Might wouldn't want to take me in too.

[Does that mean Bakugou has no other family to take him in, just like Izuku? It makes him sad to think about.]

Mm...

[He gives a soft sound of acknowledgement, unsure how to broach that subject at first. It's not exactly like they'd be together for a fun reason, after all. And Toshinori had enough on his plate as it was...

He was starting to feel like a burden.]

[Well.. he has other family members, but they live too far away to keep coming to school here. He'd rather just push on and continue his studies than go to some lame hero school for lame asses, and leave all of his friends behind. He was just starting to get used to them, like hell does he want to try and be nice to strangers.

He does realize it's an awkward thing to talk about, of course he feels extremely.. offput just thinking about it. But he knows All Might well enough, and if it wasn't him it'd be Aizawa most likely but he's pretty sure he'd rather not have to look after such an angry, loud person all the time.

Either way, he leaves it there for now, feeling like if he talks about it more he might start crying again and that's the last thing he wants right now.]

[For the time being, the main thing Izuku is concerned about is making sure Bakugou actually eats. He's doing a lot better than he did the first day, in which he foregoed food and water for almost two days straight. He can guess that this will be all he has all day, too, but it's better than nothing. So he eats his own meal in silence, keeping his head down so Bakugou won't be able to see how glassy his eyes still are. It's hard to say whether it's from sympathy or how close this all is hitting to home right now.]

[The two of them eat in silence for the rest of the night, neither looking at each other and both unsure of what to say. By the time Bakugo's finished his rice, he sets his chopsticks on top of them and leans back in his chair, waiting for Deku to finish eating because he knows if he got up and left the other boy would be likely to follow, and he doesn't want to rush him.

He's not sure what to do with himself, anymore. Honestly. He's just tired and feels numb inside, and he knows the grief will come in waves as it did for Deku and he doesn't look forward to that. He doesn't look forward to having to go back to his dorm eventually as well whether it's just to get clothes to change into or to try sleeping in there or what. He just... doesn't look forward to anything.

At least he'll have class to distract himself with. That's something he actually does look forward to, busying himself with focusing on tests or combat training or whatever. He's not going to let this bring him down as much as his heart wants it to. If anything, it just sparks his desire to be the greatest Hero inside of him even more.]

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I dreamed a dream in times gone by

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