chinanigans | I dreamed a dream in times gone by

I dreamed a dream in times gone by

[The holidays came slowly and went by too fast. It seemed that everyone was excited to go home for Christmas time to spend it with their families, especially since the mandatory dorm system meant that they couldn't see them through the normal school year. All of the students of 1-A had enjoyed a Christmas party together as they chatted excitedly about their plans for Christmas. When Izuku had been asked, he had said that he and his mother usually kept Christmas simple...they'd make sweets together and have hotpot on Christmas Eve before opening presents in the morning. He was eager for the quiet and peace of time spent with her more than anything.

That night was the last that anyone heard from Izuku throughout the rest of wintr break. Of course his closer friends, like Iida and Ochako, had immediately been wondering why he wasn't returning calls or texts, until eventually they got a single response from him. Only one, and only to them. It stated that he'd gotten sick and probably wouldn't be responding until school started back. It was a weak cover, but they believed it. It was the best that Toshinori could think of in a pinch without coming up with a worse lie. He couldn't tell even his best friends for fear of the young boy's own safety.

The news of why he really never called or texted hit the first morning everyone returned to classes, and the entire campus was alight with mutterings about it. Izuku wasn't at school at all, of course...and the specifics of the news were left rather vague, probably to protect him further. When Kirishima had heard, he couldn't even believe it until he saw the news report on TV in the common room and realized...it was true.

Kirishima had been trying to unpack his things like everyone else on the first day back since classes wouldn't start until the next day, but he hadn't seen Bakugou come in yet. So when he finally does, Kirishima comes running up to him before any of the others can, breathless.]

Bakugou!

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[Bakugo is honestly extremely grateful for Aizawa clearing the room, it has his stress levels calm down a little bit though he still can't really get his body to do what he wants it to do. In fact, having the room empty save for the teacher and Deku seems to flip kind of switch inside of him-- it gives him the security he needs to just. Let loose for a moment, instead of trying to act tough or like his normal self just to keep face in front of everyone else.]

Fuck... g-godamm... it.... goddammit!

[Bakugo chokes out a sob, a high pitched squeak of a noise as he slams his fist into the floor again, his entire body trembling as tears continue to drip off of his nose onto the carpet below.]

Mom.. d-dad.... I'm so.. fucking sorry... I-I'm so sorry...

[He could have saved them. If he paid attention to his goddamn phone instead of mindlessly watching whatever was on T.V.

What the fuck kind of Hero was he if he couldn't even save the people close to him?]

[By the time Bakugou really starts sobbing, Izuku...is crying, too. Whether he ever meant to be or not. His empathy is too great, and the subject matter too personal and close to home. One thing the two had in common, now, was that the same villain had killed both their parents.

That's why...he isn't thinking as he wraps his arms around Bakugou's shoulders, pulling him close despite his positioning doubled over on the floor. Izuku would double over with him, if he had to.]

I'm s-sorry, Kacchan...I'm sorry...

[Bakugo doesn't fight it, when Deku suddenly pulls him close and cries against him. He's limp as can be, finding that all the strength in his body was completely gone and honestly... he needed the embrace. He always would push away from people when they had tried to hug him in the past but this was different. It was a different kind of feeling than anything he's ever dealt with before, and he doesn't know how to handle it.

So he slumps back against Deku, arms limp by his sides as huge tears spill over his cheeks, and he lets out another scream that tears his throat painfully. A roar loud enough to echo against the walls back at the two of them. He was so angry, and so goddamn miserable... he now knew how Deku felt-- how he still feels and it's such a cruel irony for their positions to be swapped like this. Especially when it's something Deku isn't even close to getting over yet.]

[Despite breaking up the students before, Aizawa doesn't intervene this time. He's quiet, staying off to the side as he lets the two boys have their moment together, knowing that Bakugou at the very least needed the opportunity to have it. He hadn't been there, when Izuku first broke down this badly. It was much of the same...harsh reality and all the disbelief that came with it. The guilt, the knowledge that you could have done something, if only you were there.

The children were being too hard on themselves, but to tell them that would be to break them further. That was why he said nothing as Izuku sobbed against Bakugou's shoulder while Bakugou screamed his anguish to no one.

While that Villain still prowled...perhaps intent on picking off even more family members of the students of UA.]

[It takes.... a good 20 minutes. 20 minutes of sobbing, and screaming, and cursing for Bakugo to finally calm down enough to be quiet. He leans against Deku, taking in huge breaths of air that sounds more like gasps, hiccupping intermittently between them as his head spins from exerting himself too much. He feels so utterly goddamn pathetic that it has his stomach feel like it was in his throat, yet at the same time he feels just. Empty inside. Empty yet full of so much rage and despair.

He doesn't want to be like Deku was, however. He doesn't want to have random screaming fits in the middle of class, or have to miss two full weeks over this. He doesn't want people worried for him, wondering if he'll be the same ever again.

So while he sits there, trying to calm himself down he finally speaks up again-- hoarse and croaky as he's lost his voice from screaming so much.]

...I need to... get my fucking hand fixed..

[Though he doesn't move to get up, as he feels like if he tried to stand up right now he could fall right back over.]

["Get him to the infirmary, Midoriya."

Aizawa orders, also knowing that Bakugou will accept Izuku doing this moreso if he knows a teacher made him. Though, Izuku was going to help him either way, his own tears still wet on his face as he shakily moves to start to stand, reaching for Bakugou's uninjured hand.]

C-cmon, Kacchan. Recovery Girl can fix it...

[Bakugo lets him take his hand, and he slowly gets up to his feet with Deku-- even though the motion makes his dizzyness feel even worse. He ends up stumbling forward a little bit, tightening his grip on Deku's hand to stop himself from just toppling over and a grimace appears on his expression.]

D-damn it.. can't even walk on my own... so fuckin' pathetic.

[He mumbles that, but moves back a little bit so he can lean against Deku, acknowledging that he'll need his help to walk at least until his head stops feeling so goddamn awful.]

Shh...

[Izuku hushes him softly before realizing maybe he shouldn't, given how fragile the other boy is right now. So instead, he continues to lead him out of the dorms and on towards the campus proper.

It's very eerie outside, somehow. Too quiet, even with the sound of their combined feet shuffling across the sidewalk. Izuku has more than enough strength to support Bakugou as they make their way, having resolved to just let his mind go utterly blank, focusing on only getting him the help he needed.

Everything else...grief, anger, confusion and despair...all of that could wait. Bakugou needed his help, now, and he wasn't going to leave him in the lurch after how much Bakugou helped him.]

[Bakugo himself is quiet, for the most part. Just letting Deku lead him out towards the school, his head hanging as he can't even get himself to look ahead of him confidently like he usually would even in moments like this. He feels like utter trash for so.. so many reasons. There was so much guilt weighing on his mind, more than anything else. Guilt for not being there for them, despite them calling him for help. Guilt for not visiting them more often while he stayed in the dorms. Guilt for always yelling at them and swearing at them.. he can't even recall the last time he told them that he loved them. If he knew they were going to get murdered today, he would have said it. At least once.

There was another thing he was feeling guilty about, too. Something that he actually does get the gumption to apologize for, as the two reach the front of the school.]

...I'm sorry. You didn't fucking need to deal with.. any of this. Not with what you've already been dealing with.

[...]

It's okay, Kacchan.

[His response is simple yet clipped, because he knows if he tries to say more- or too much- he might get started and be unable to stop. Or start crying again. He's feeling a huge, weird mix of emotions right now as he tugs Bakugou into the building, quickly ushering him to Recovery Girl's office before any students can find them. The last thing they need is more eyes on Bakugou, because the news would be spreading quickly.]

It's going to be okay.

[He's not so sure about that, but he doesn't say it. Right now it feels like nothing will be okay ever again, though he knows it's just the grief and misery talking. If Deku can take care of him right now only a month after his mother had died, he should be able to get back on his feet even quicker than that... right?

Either way, he goes silent again as he's lead to Recovery Girl's office. By now she's already heard of the news herself, having gotten a text from Aizawa while the two started leaving to be prepared so as soon as Deku sets him down on one of the beds she takes his injured hand and immediately gets to work. It takes a little while, since she has to pull all of the individual pieces of glass out of his skin.. some of them involving her having to cut around them just to get them out but he stays quiet even through all of that. Not even wincing in pain as she works diligently on his hand.

After the last piece is pulled out she does her thing and kisses it, letting it heal up just enough to where he won't need stitches before she wraps it up in bandages so it can heal the rest of the way on it's own. He already looked dead on his feet, so she wouldn't want to use up too much of his stamina just to heal a few cuts and bruises.

She tells the boys that he can rest here if he'd like but he refuses, moving to get up to his feet now that he's calmed down enough from the initial shock and he gives Deku a look that says "follow me", before shoving his hands in his pant pockets and heading out with a slouch and his face down towards the floor again. He looks like a kicked puppy, all the energy he'd usually have just.. completely gone.]

[Izuku is surprised at the silent bid to follow, but he doesn't question it. He just shares a quiet glance with Recovery Girl before getting up and following Bakugou out into the hallway. He gives him some respectful distance while staying close by, keeping an eye out for other students that might try to approach them.

But really, with Bakugou as he is...he doubts anyone will.]

[It helps that it's the weekend, as well. Though there are still a few students getting in some studying time or practicing new moves with their Quirks here and there. With the dorms being next to the school, that's bound to happen with people who are devoted to their studies, of course.

But no one does bother them, as Bakugo leads way down the halls. He takes Deku to the lunch room where a few students are currently scattered here and there, getting in some dinner in between whatever they're up to and Bakugo moves to take a seat in the far corner of the room, as far away from the rest of the students as he possibly can. He didn't feel particularly hungry, but to be honest he was starting to feel dehydrated and he knows he can't just go around not eating or drinking for days even like this so. Here he is. Trying his best to take care of himself even though he would rather curl up in his bed and never get out of it again.

It does help to busy his mind with other things though, at least. But he'll leave the actually getting food part to Deku.]

[That much, at least, he can do. Izuku mutters that he'd be right back before he scurries off to fix them two trays of food, bringing them both back to the table that Bakugou had sat down at. Dinner was the usual fair, today specifically it was rice and chicken with miso soup and various vegetables on the side. An easy enough meal...he could just eat the rice if he didn't feel like much else.]

[Once Deku returns with the food, Bakugo sits up a little straighter and looks at him for a few seconds before he looks down at the dishes set in front of him. He's not sure if he could eat all of this right now honestly, but he does go for the rice. At the very least that'll fill his stomach some.

Though he doesn't eat it immediately, just holds his chopsticks in his hands and kind of stirs some of the rice around a little bit instead as his mind wanders. He looks like a lost child, not sure what to even do with himself anymore which honestly isn't even too far off.]

...he called me.

[He says that quietly, keeping his eyes on the rice in front of him.]

My phone was silenced, but he fucking called me. I could've saved them.

[That...is a very, very difficult thing to respond to, and at first he considers letting it lay because he doesn't know what to say. It was different with Inko. She hadn't been able to do much of anything, it seemed...and even if she could, there's no feasible way Izuku could have gotten there in time, no matter how much he blamed himself for her death.

He picks up a little ball of rice with his chopsticks, pressing it into his mouth and taking the time to chew before he hazards a response.]

Do you think...he called you, expecting to be saved?

[He doesn't say it, because it would be too cruel- too blunt- but he doesn't think so. His parents, no matter how strong they think their son is, would never put him in that kind of danger for their sake. Not when he had so much to live for...and not when it was so plainly obvious this Villain was targeting families to try and lure out the UA wonderkids.

No...Izuku thinks he called to tell him what little he could before it was too late.]

...it doesn't fucking matter if he did or not. I would've saved them if I knew they were in trouble.

[That gets Bakugo to stop fiddling with his rice, his expression turning a little dark with his brow furrowing so heavily he might as well not have eyes right now.]

Even if he called me just to tell me some sappy bullshit about how he loved me I-- I could have had the time to get there and save them! But instead I was wasting my fucking day watching commercials about yogurt or whatever while my parents died!

[There's a loud clash as he slams his hands down on the table when he yells that, glaring at Deku so heavily it's almost as if Deku was the one who killed his parents himself but really-- he's just mad at himself. And after having that outburst he brings his hands up to the sides of his head, tangling his fingers into his coarse hair and slumps over the table with his elbows resting on it to keep himself sitting up.]

What kind of Hero am I?!

[It's the exact same thing he'd asked himself, over and over, when his mother died. What kind of Hero was he if he couldn't save a single person? His own mother?

There's another pause.]

...All Might once told me that the hardest part of being a Hero is knowing that there will be people you're unable to reach. It...it isn't your fault you had your phone silenced, Kacchan. Just like it wasn't my fault I didn't come home a day early for vacation.

If Heroes had to predict and be held accountable for every loss, no one would be able to keep it up.

[Bakugo is silent, at that. Because as much as he wants to scream and tell Deku that he's wrong-- that he should have saved them he's... right. He's right, and he hates that he is. There really was no way for him to know about what was happening with his phone silenced, and he didn't ignore them on purpose. Just like with Deku's mom, he felt guilty that he wasn't there to stop it but he couldn't be there a day earlier to witness it happening just like Deku.

It just. Hurts so damn bad when it happens to people close to you. When there could have been a sliver of a chance, but it slipped right out your hands. He just prays his parents didn't die thinking he hated them. Thinking he purposefully ignored the phonecalls despite getting so many of them.]

....

[He continues not saying anything, but slowly pulls his fingers out of his hair. He lets his hands fall, picking up the chopsticks again and starts to just. Shovel rice into his mouth as if he were a starving dog, his expression looking angry but there are tears spilling over his cheeks again that he wipes with the back of his hand before returning to his food.]

[Izuku watches through his lashes as Bakugou suddenly starts packing rice into his mouth, wondering if it's just so he won't have to talk, or out of nervous, anxious energy or...a mixture of both. Either way he's silent too after that, still quietly eating across from him.

It's hard to see Bakugou cry, especially in this context. It was rare he ever cried, so Izuku knew he had to be hurting. Izuku was the only person in this school that understood the kind of pain he was feeling right now. It's...all so sudden, so shocking that it hasn't even fully sunk in for Izuku yet. He isn't at all looking forward to inevitably crying himself to sleep tonight over it.]

[Honestly, Bakugo has the same thought going through his mind right now. The sun was starting to set and he dreaded going back to his empty room, with all his things that his parents picked out for him inside. The pictures he has of him and his parents resting on top of his bookshelf. Especially knowing he'll never go back to his home ever again. Just thinking about it hurts, as much as everything else does so after he finishes about half of his bowl he suddenly speaks up again without even looking at Deku, feeling too ashamed to.]

...I'm staying in your stupid dorm tonight and you don't have a fucking say in it. Got it?

[He can't go back to his own room, but he doesn't know where else he would go. Maybe the couch in the common room but... no. He'd rather not go back there just yet.]

[Izuku stops eating, his mouth dropping open slightly as the piece of chicken he'd picked up in his chopsticks falls from them back into his rice.

It makes sense...Izuku wasn't alone entirely during his grieving process. He did have Toshinori, but a lot of that time he was in a room by himself, and it certainly caused a lot of mental strain on him he hadn't really anticipated. Bakugou wanting to stay with him makes more sense than he might have imagined, he's just...surprised by how brazen he is about it.]

...R-right.

[He says softly as he picks up the chicken again, trying not to look quite so flustered by the declaration.]

Don't sound so shocked... it's just because I can't stay with anyone else. You're the only one who understands what this feels like.

[He doesn't want to put pressure on Kirishima or Denki or any of his other friends with this. Because he knows it's likely he won't even sleep, and instead just sit there crying or screaming or whatever. Deku would most likely leave him alone and let him grieve without it turning awkward but anyone else would probably try too hard to fix it, or would feel too uncomfortable dealing with it.]

Can't go back in my room either. Not yet.

No, I...it's okay. I understand.

[He pokes a little at his rice some more with his chopsticks.]

It's the least I could do.

[After how much Bakugou had been there for him.]

...yeah.

[Bakugo gives a halfhearted reply in agreement, before he turns back to his own food and starts eating again. Slower this time, as he gets more rice into his system. Admittedly, it did make his stomach feel a lot better having something bland in there so he can see himself and rice becoming very familiar with each other over the next week or so.]

We're.. probably gonna have to get used to seeing each other more often now. Can't imagine All Might wouldn't want to take me in too.

I dreamed a dream in times gone by

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